I sat in a fugue of self pity all weekend.
It was all bullshit.
I did have something of an epiphany, early Monday morning. I realized that my heart and my brain are out of sync and that until they function together I will continue suffering. There is nothing wrong with offering yourself and showing vulnerability. It is the person who takes advantage of and uses that vulnerability who should feel shame.
I have a long way to go.. Every time I start to think on our relationship or how stupid I was, I deliberately change my train of thought. I need to love me before I can ever give to someone else or expect them to give to me. And, since I wrapped my identity up in him, I haven’t loved myself in many, many years.
- I don’t want to hurt and no one should have the power to decimate my inner self like that.
- I am important, I am amazing, and I am loved by many people. How can I help anyone if all I feel is self pity?
- I’m a giver, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t set boundaries and stick to them. I can give of myself without leaving pieces of my heart trailing behind.
- I am my other half, not another individual. I have the power to make myself happy and d I should never, ever forget that.
- I am stronger because I face my fears and hurts, look them in the eye, and say “not today, not ever.”
One day, maybe I’ll be healed enough to believe in soul mates or meant to be, but for now, I’m content with just believing that real love exists. I know it does. Somewhere.
And that’s enough.