Would It Even Work If We Tried Again?

It’s a bad day, not a bad life.

 

We’ve tried so many times already.

I’m lonely. I feel tired and worn. I’ve lost some weight.
I’ve been mostly okay since the 22nd.

Until today that is.

My heart feels like it’s breaking all over again. I keep thinking of how he rejected everything I am and left me in the middle of our bed, stifling my sobs with a towel so the kiddos wouldn’t hear.

I keep thinking of my signature attesting to our marriage being irretrievably broken. I keep thinking about how I’m so unimportant.

Most of the time it doesn’t bother me, because I’ve slowly learned to change my train of thought when I start the “self-doubt/self-pity” thinking. But, I guess the fact that he’s moving away, he’s really leaving here, and if he does nothing will be the same, is causing me a bit of hurt.

Not to mention I actually filed. I did, not him. I don’t know if he ever would have. But 13 months is a long time. I thought, from late January until the day before Fathet’s Day that we were working things out. Then he left. Again.

I’m not ready for him to go forever.

But I can see why he would want to. Every hurtful thing that either of us endured was here in this town. He’d be somewhere new, with new people, young, fun people without children, who can do whatever, whenever.

Still, I’m not ready.

Then I think, too, about why marriages don’t work out. I think it’s because it’s so hard. Then one person meets someone else and it’s much easier because there is no history and things are always easy at first. It’s the same with a new town. There’s no history, no bad memories, and no wife and kids to hold him back from being a “single” guy.

He’s going to go around searching for a new, better me, but there isn’t one. Eventually, he will realize this, but it will be too late. 

It’s always too late. 

It will be too late for our marriage, it will be too late for our kids, it will be too late for our lives to wrap around one another again.

This also saddens me.

I see a relationship that was and could still be so beautiful and so profound, but no one else does and it’s being tossed aside like wrapping paper on Christmas  morning.

Though it kills me to admit it, I feel terribly lonely without him. I know other women go it alone, but sometimes I wonder if I’m made of the same strong stuff that they are. I feel so weak at this moment and I hate it.

For the first time in awhile, I really, really miss my husband.

Not the person that’s there now.

  • The one who cried with me when I miscarried.
  • The one who cried when our dog had died.
  • The one who told me that he would never need anyone else and that I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
  • The one who said he knew the first moment he saw me that I was the one for him and he would marry me.
  • 🔹 How did it come to this?🔹

<bget upset when I think that he will end up having more kids with someone else, because I know that he loves children dearly. I worry that if he did have more, our children would be forgotten and/or not wanted so much anymore. To be relegated to the unwanted stepchild is a horrid thing. I know personally.

So, yeah….there my thoughts go again. I need to make myself go to sleep so I can stop this. I hope these feelings go away soon, I don’t want to be so emotional. I want to handle this with calmness and clarity. Instead, I’m a wreck.

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